Young Writers Society

Um,yeah.Okay,I'm going to try to not be a sob.The poem was really chopped up and short.

where two walls
meet and greet

starts turning blue

her nanny, Anna

THAT'S ENOUGH!

Maybe tomorrow night
Her beautiful Corvette
will find itself
embracing a tree.

ignore the bourbon

I'm "better than most?" Thanks In!

And thank you Klaus and Sam...and K, I'm two seconds from posting a new poem in Dramatic... so there's the more work you wanted to see!

Bravo, Bravo.

This is excellent. I really thoroughly enjoyed it. It was very well written. Somethings were scary in a way. Creepy. Alexis, i wouldn't say troubled, but alone. Was that what you were going for? I can't wait to read more from you.

11/10

I thought it was kinda creepy...Alexis is obviously troubled (duh, Sam!) But you don't just say 'Alexis was sad because her dad is a drunkard and her mom ingnores her. She tries to kill herself.' You make us guess, you make us infer, and to put it in Cars and Guitar's words you mess with our minds. I could never write something like this...so keep up the good work! I can't wait to read more Alexis poems.

Alexis or whomever, this will be harsh, so, for the sake of your feelings, I suggest you read no further.

At the spot/in the room/where two walls/meet and greet/alexis is sitting/holding her breath/until her face/starts turning blue

That won't work/so she'll scream/Until at last/her nanny, Anna/turns to her/and sternly says/"Alexis! THAT'S ENOUGH!"

So she stops/but only temporairily./Maybe tomorrow night/Her beautiful Corvette/will find itself/embracing a tree.

And maybe then/her mother will/lower the sound/when she watches/a 'Melrose' rerun

and her father/will stop pouring/ignore the bourbon/and then perhaps/things will become/okay, just okay./but headed toward/good.

Go back and look Gala. You'll see why the nanny needs a name. (hint: think repition.)

Here's what I've been wondering about:

Why does no one think it's strange that Alexis has a Nanny, and can also drive?

Oh my darling, I so love your poetry. This seemed a bit rough compared to what I usually see, so I thought I'd 'be gentle', and critique.

Nitpicks:

At the spot
in the room
where two walls
meet and greet...(greet seems so out of place here)
alexis is sitting
holding her breath
until her face
starts turning blue

That won't work
so she'll scream
Until at last
her nanny, Anna...(another 'A' name? Why does the nanny need a name at all?)
turns to her
and sternly says
"Alexis! THAT'S ENOUGH!"

So she stops
but only temporairily.
Maybe tomorrow night
Her beautiful Corvette
will find itself
embracing a tree.

And maybe then
her mother will
lower the sound
when she watches
a 'Melrose' rerun
and her father
will stop pouring
ignore the bourbon....(i think 'ignoring' would work better here, for a subtle rhyme. a nice little syntaxual treat)
and then perhaps
things will become
okay, just okay....(i would move 'just okay' to the next line and end the poem here. its a bit hopeful, but the rest of the end seems too fake.)
but headed toward
good.

im not so sure what to say...in my personal opinion the poem was too short and chopped up. i think maybe with the use of commas and periods, though it would probably be better.

A as in...

The book is Audrey, who is also Tina.
We're talking about an actual Alexis. (Go to A for help, she'll know who I mean.)

alexis...i'm sure i'd know once you told me...is she a character from your book? is she a name for someone else...or are we really talking about an alexis here...

i'll muck around with it. btw, have you figured out who this was inspired by? *hint* the title tells you.

mmk...being gentle with alexis okay, i really liked it, but the end doesn't quite fit. Actually, I think it would be more effective if you just left it at

okay, just okay.