Published December 3, 2004
This is Alexis, be gentle with her, she's very fragile, and I'm hoping to get a few more poems out of her.
___________________________________________________
At the spot
in the room
where two walls
meet and greet
alexis is sitting
holding her breath
until her face
starts turning blue
That won't work
so she'll scream
Until at last
her nanny, Anna
turns to her
and sternly says
"Alexis! THAT'S ENOUGH!"
So she stops
but only temporairily.
Maybe tomorrow night
Her beautiful Corvette
will find itself
embracing a tree.
And maybe then
her mother will
lower the sound
when she watches
a 'Melrose' rerun
and her father
will stop pouring
ignore the bourbon
and then perhaps
things will become
okay, just okay.
but headed toward
good.
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140,117 Literary Works • 673,019 Reviews
Hey hop here with a review!!
Ok so this story cut deep. I love this poem to start off. I felt a great amount of empathy for poor Alexis. It is about her mental health. She doesn't have a good family life and tries to end her life. It is very dark and can be relatable by many people; especially teens. This poem is pure cinema. I love it. I know its from 2004 but it is still very relevant to the present. It's sad that all of this is still happening pains me...
Love, Hop
Um,yeah.Okay,I'm going to try to not be a sob.The poem was really chopped up and short.
It sounds a little cheesy and out of the topic.Specify why it is turning blue.
Another name with an 'A' isn't a good idea.
No need for caps.It makes the poem quite babyish.!!! would do.
Why?I mean,it doesn't fit with the poem.I tought it was about Alexis.
ignoring fits better.
It was talking about how Alexis was trying to commit suicide.
I'm "better than most?" Thanks In!
And thank you Klaus and Sam...and K, I'm two seconds from posting a new poem in Dramatic... so there's the more work you wanted to see!
Bravo, Bravo.
This is excellent. I really thoroughly enjoyed it. It was very well written. Somethings were scary in a way. Creepy. Alexis, i wouldn't say troubled, but alone. Was that what you were going for? I can't wait to read more from you.
11/10
I thought it was kinda creepy...Alexis is obviously troubled (duh, Sam!) But you don't just say 'Alexis was sad because her dad is a drunkard and her mom ingnores her. She tries to kill herself.' You make us guess, you make us infer, and to put it in Cars and Guitar's words you mess with our minds. I could never write something like this...so keep up the good work! I can't wait to read more Alexis poems.
Alexis or whomever, this will be harsh, so, for the sake of your feelings, I suggest you read no further.
"Meet and greet" is a particularly cheesy line. Why is she holding her breath and turning blue? The author gives no such indication as to why, and I find it highly annoying. I really disliked this opening stanza. It reminded me of Rimbaud. Blegh.
This stanza doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem, and I vaguely remember reading a story very similar to this. A little girl would sit in the corner and refused to speak or breathe until she turned blue. Then, if her parents gave her nothing for her failed attempts at beckoning her will, she would scream until she got what she wanted. I'm not accusing you of plagiarizing, I'm just saying, I'd change this, so people don't get the wrong impression. Overall, I felt this stanza lacked structure and gave the poem no feel or direction.
I don't have any criticisms here to improve this, unless bulldoze it is a criticism. This stanza leads nowhere in the poem and serves no other function than to fill silence with words.
This isn't bad, but to me, it doesn't make much sense. I've only had two hours of sleep, though, and I'm not thinking entirely clearly.
The last line "headed toward good" sucked. There's no nice way to put it. I thought it was totally irrelevant to the poem.
On the whole, this was a typical I-Want-Attention poem, probably construed a little awkwardly and not entirely coherent, but better than most. I loathe this, however, with a passion, and will restrain myself from further comments.
Go back and look Gala. You'll see why the nanny needs a name. (hint: think repition.)
Here's what I've been wondering about:
Why does no one think it's strange that Alexis has a Nanny, and can also drive?
Oh my darling, I so love your poetry. This seemed a bit rough compared to what I usually see, so I thought I'd 'be gentle', and critique.
Nitpicks:
At the spot
in the room
where two walls
meet and greet...(greet seems so out of place here)
alexis is sitting
holding her breath
until her face
starts turning blue
That won't work
so she'll scream
Until at last
her nanny, Anna...(another 'A' name? Why does the nanny need a name at all?)
turns to her
and sternly says
"Alexis! THAT'S ENOUGH!"
So she stops
but only temporairily.
Maybe tomorrow night
Her beautiful Corvette
will find itself
embracing a tree.
And maybe then
her mother will
lower the sound
when she watches
a 'Melrose' rerun
and her father
will stop pouring
ignore the bourbon....(i think 'ignoring' would work better here, for a subtle rhyme. a nice little syntaxual treat)
and then perhaps
things will become
okay, just okay....(i would move 'just okay' to the next line and end the poem here. its a bit hopeful, but the rest of the end seems too fake.)
but headed toward
good.
im not so sure what to say...in my personal opinion the poem was too short and chopped up. i think maybe with the use of commas and periods, though it would probably be better.
A as in...
The book is Audrey, who is also Tina.
We're talking about an actual Alexis. (Go to A for help, she'll know who I mean.)
alexis...i'm sure i'd know once you told me...is she a character from your book? is she a name for someone else...or are we really talking about an alexis here...
i'll muck around with it. btw, have you figured out who this was inspired by? *hint* the title tells you.
mmk...being gentle with alexis
okay, i really liked it, but the end doesn't quite fit. Actually, I think it would be more effective if you just left it at
instead of adding on the part about it heading toward good. I can understand the want to put that there. Umm...i can't really think of a way to fit it in though, without it sounding out of place. Maybe try"okay,
headed toward good,
but just okay"
but I think that if you leave it at the okay part, then it'll say something like "it'll be okay, but it won't be great" the "just okay" really kind of says it for itself. love it though alyce! -much love, penny